1
00:00:03,300 --> 00:00:08,738
Go to John Glover, tell her I love her
at the light of the moon I'll come to her

2
00:00:08,940 --> 00:00:13,855
Go to John Glover, tell her I love her
at the light of the moon I'll come to her

3
00:00:14,060 --> 00:00:18,850
Come on, guys! In the round. Go to
John Glover, go to John Glover...

4
00:00:19,060 --> 00:00:21,893
- We're lost, aren't we, Phil?
- I'm not sure.

5
00:00:22,100 --> 00:00:24,568
You're the one with the map. This isn't a road.

6
00:00:24,780 --> 00:00:27,578
It's hard to tell, we're underneath this staple.

7
00:00:27,780 --> 00:00:30,578
What's this?

8
00:00:30,780 --> 00:00:33,340
This is where the road's meant to be.

9
00:00:40,580 --> 00:00:43,652
Shall we see if we can help, Ollie?

10
00:00:43,860 --> 00:00:46,772
Best not, Dave. We'll only be late for the kids.

11
00:00:48,100 --> 00:00:49,772
Always be professional.

12
00:00:49,980 --> 00:00:52,778
The kids will respect you for that.

13
00:00:52,980 --> 00:00:56,416
Go to John Glover and tell her I love her...

14
00:00:56,620 --> 00:00:57,939
DAVE: Shut up!

15
00:00:59,820 --> 00:01:01,731
Did the plan work, Edward?

16
00:01:03,900 --> 00:01:08,974
Yes, Tubbs. The plan worked beautifully.

17
00:01:13,420 --> 00:01:17,174
POSTBOX: Thank you for posting
a letter inside me.

18
00:01:25,940 --> 00:01:27,771
Come on, girl. Do your business.

19
00:01:34,900 --> 00:01:38,256
- Hi, Grace.
- Morning, Grace.

20
00:01:47,060 --> 00:01:49,654
Mr Chinnery.

21
00:01:59,060 --> 00:02:03,576
Your entire zoo?
How many animals did you lose?

22
00:02:03,780 --> 00:02:05,577
Three.

23
00:02:05,780 --> 00:02:07,736
Pickles the chimp was from my brother-in-law.

24
00:02:07,940 --> 00:02:10,693
The goat was from a gypsy in Tadcaster,

25
00:02:10,900 --> 00:02:16,179
and the pig was a favour
from a farmer in Scoles.

26
00:02:16,380 --> 00:02:17,938
I've got nothing now.

27
00:02:18,140 --> 00:02:21,496
The pig was there,
the chimp was there. It's all gone.

28
00:02:21,700 --> 00:02:23,053
Everything's gone.

29
00:02:23,260 --> 00:02:27,651
- Read the map and drive.
- The map's not my responsibility.

30
00:02:27,860 --> 00:02:31,694
- Now where? Left or right?
- It has to be left.

31
00:02:31,900 --> 00:02:36,257
For crying out loud! Straight ahead? Right.

32
00:02:49,660 --> 00:02:52,094
There's a man sitting next to you.

33
00:02:52,300 --> 00:02:55,610
Not another man, me, I am.
I thought you ought to know.

34
00:02:55,820 --> 00:02:58,539
- Thank you.
- Oh, it's all right.

35
00:03:01,100 --> 00:03:03,170
- It's a lovely day.
- Yes.

36
00:03:03,380 --> 00:03:06,213
No, I'm telling you it's a lovely day.

37
00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:08,570
Hardly any clouds in the sky.

38
00:03:08,780 --> 00:03:14,218
You are in a park on a bench
talking to a man - me.

39
00:03:14,420 --> 00:03:18,572
- Am I shouting? Am I shouting?!
- A little, yes.

40
00:03:18,780 --> 00:03:20,418
I thought so.

41
00:03:20,620 --> 00:03:25,978
I expect your ears are more finely
tuned than a healthy person's.

42
00:03:26,180 --> 00:03:30,651
- They are important, yes.
- Keep your specs on for one thing.

43
00:03:32,300 --> 00:03:35,337
They forecast rain again later this afternoon.

44
00:03:35,540 --> 00:03:39,579
- I beg your pardon?
- It will rain again this afternoon.

45
00:03:39,780 --> 00:03:44,615
How do you know? Did they write it
down for you in that bumpy writing?

46
00:03:44,820 --> 00:03:47,812
- No, it was on the television.
- Oh...

47
00:03:48,020 --> 00:03:49,931
Good, good for you.

48
00:03:50,140 --> 00:03:53,416
Do you watch a lot of...
No, it's all repeats anyway.

49
00:03:53,620 --> 00:03:56,373
It's nothing you haven't seen before.

50
00:03:56,580 --> 00:03:59,697
- You should get yourself a video.
- I've got one, actually.

51
00:03:59,900 --> 00:04:02,812
Then you can tape stuff and listen to it.

52
00:04:03,020 --> 00:04:05,011
Or else keep it, in case one day...

53
00:04:05,220 --> 00:04:06,539
Who knows?

54
00:04:06,740 --> 00:04:10,176
They can put pigs' livers inside you
nowadays, imagine that.

55
00:04:10,380 --> 00:04:12,655
A pig's liver instead of a human's.

56
00:04:12,860 --> 00:04:16,057
So, you know, they might find some way of...

57
00:04:16,260 --> 00:04:19,058
I saw this Tales of the Unexpected once,

58
00:04:19,260 --> 00:04:22,093
and it was just this eye on a stalk.

59
00:04:22,300 --> 00:04:25,849
A brain and an eye on a stalk
in a big glass tank.

60
00:04:26,060 --> 00:04:30,212
If you're lucky, one day that could be you.

61
00:04:30,420 --> 00:04:32,854
If I'm lucky?

62
00:04:33,620 --> 00:04:35,531
Well, listen to me, eh...

63
00:04:35,740 --> 00:04:37,970
I must be going.

64
00:04:38,940 --> 00:04:41,852
It's nice to meet you anyway.

65
00:04:42,060 --> 00:04:44,449
I'm behind you now.

66
00:04:44,660 --> 00:04:46,810
I'm going. Ta-ta!

67
00:04:51,260 --> 00:04:53,057
How do you shave?

68
00:04:53,740 --> 00:04:56,174
I bet you cut yourself a lot, don't you?

69
00:04:56,380 --> 00:04:59,292
Is that why you see
so many bearded... sightless?

70
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,456
They always look a mess, don't they?

71
00:05:01,660 --> 00:05:06,051
Dandruff and crumbs in the beard.
Mum used to point at them and say:

72
00:05:06,260 --> 00:05:09,730
"That'll happen to you
if you keep on fiddling with yourself."

73
00:05:09,940 --> 00:05:11,658
Didn't stop me, though.

74
00:05:12,740 --> 00:05:17,211
I expect you get lonely, don't you?
Rattling around all day in your house.

75
00:05:17,420 --> 00:05:20,571
Your hostel. Locked in your own thoughts.

76
00:05:20,780 --> 00:05:22,850
You do better going for a little walk.

77
00:05:23,060 --> 00:05:26,018
As I say, it's all repeats, and who knows.

78
00:05:26,220 --> 00:05:28,529
You might even meet another...

79
00:05:28,740 --> 00:05:31,300
I mean, look at me.

80
00:05:34,500 --> 00:05:37,253
Was it something I said?

81
00:05:40,580 --> 00:05:43,652
Did you have a nice holiday, Mrs Levinson?

82
00:05:43,860 --> 00:05:46,499
Oh, Barbara. It was utter paradise.

83
00:05:46,700 --> 00:05:49,168
Eddie said it's like being in a Bounty advert.

84
00:05:49,780 --> 00:05:52,613
I really should get my bikini line waxed.

85
00:05:54,380 --> 00:05:56,496
So, anything been going on around here?

86
00:05:56,700 --> 00:06:00,056
Have you not heard about
the beast of Royston Vasey?

87
00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:02,694
Oh now, Barbara. People can be very cruel.

88
00:06:02,900 --> 00:06:06,734
Not me. They dug something up
working on the new road.

89
00:06:06,940 --> 00:06:09,170
Stop it, you're giving me the willies.

90
00:06:09,380 --> 00:06:12,292
You're welcome to mine.
It's coming off in a fortnight anyway.

91
00:06:22,140 --> 00:06:24,574
Right, what have we got here, then.

92
00:06:27,980 --> 00:06:31,256
- I have to warn you, Mr Chinnery.
- Don't worry, inspector.

93
00:06:31,460 --> 00:06:34,850
I'm used to seeing nature red in tooth and claw.

94
00:06:44,660 --> 00:06:48,858
You cowards! You whoremongers!

95
00:06:49,060 --> 00:06:51,016
Idolaters, liars!

96
00:06:51,220 --> 00:06:55,179
Your place is in the lake of fire and sulphur,

97
00:06:55,380 --> 00:06:57,848
where you will die the second death.

98
00:06:58,060 --> 00:07:02,531
The death that burns and tears for all eternity.

99
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:09,779
So... Think on.

100
00:07:12,420 --> 00:07:14,092
Shut up!

101
00:07:16,300 --> 00:07:18,097
They've arrived.

102
00:07:18,300 --> 00:07:23,374
Did you know that this afternoon
some of you will be watching a play

103
00:07:23,580 --> 00:07:25,650
instead of doing proper lessons.

104
00:07:25,860 --> 00:07:29,489
It's going to be performed by
Legz Akimbo Theatre Company,

105
00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:36,014
and it's a show about homosexuality
aimed at nine to twelve year olds.

106
00:07:36,220 --> 00:07:39,212
Some people call this Theatre in Education.

107
00:07:39,420 --> 00:07:42,059
I call it Aids in a Van.

108
00:07:42,260 --> 00:07:45,775
Aye. Adultery.

109
00:07:46,540 --> 00:07:49,259
My finest specimens.

110
00:07:49,460 --> 00:07:53,089
Sonny and Cher.

111
00:07:53,300 --> 00:07:56,531
Soon I'll enter them in
the annual croaker parade.

112
00:07:56,740 --> 00:08:00,096
They've been nurtured carefully
for the past nine months.

113
00:08:00,300 --> 00:08:02,894
Fed exclusively on Lollo Rosso
and smoked mackerel.

114
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:08,416
Now I feel the toad breeder's shield
is finally within my grasp.

115
00:08:08,620 --> 00:08:12,010
Uncle Harvey, you're not listening.
I'm going back to London.

116
00:08:12,220 --> 00:08:15,292
- Impossible.
- You're looking after the girls tonight.

117
00:08:16,060 --> 00:08:20,292
In this house guests are expected
to baby-sit once during their stay.

118
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,058
You never mentioned that.

119
00:08:22,260 --> 00:08:24,694
If you'd spent a little less time

120
00:08:24,900 --> 00:08:29,849
cavorting with Madame Palm
and her five lovely daughters...

121
00:08:31,340 --> 00:08:33,808
...you'd be a little more alert.

122
00:08:34,020 --> 00:08:36,693
Well, I'm going. I've got the ticket.

123
00:08:38,060 --> 00:08:40,779
Splendid. That's settled, then.

124
00:08:40,980 --> 00:08:43,448
Chloe and Radcliffe will be so thrilled.

125
00:08:43,660 --> 00:08:45,571
Benjamin!

126
00:08:45,780 --> 00:08:47,293
One other thing.

127
00:08:47,500 --> 00:08:51,459
While you're walking around
the house, would you wear these?

128
00:08:52,300 --> 00:08:57,533
We use them on Wednesdays.
They restore the weft of the carpets.

129
00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:15,733
OK, everyone. Thanks very much. Um...

130
00:09:15,940 --> 00:09:19,091
Good morning! We are
Legz Akimbo Theatre Company.

131
00:09:19,300 --> 00:09:21,689
You may remember us
from a couple of Christmases ago.

132
00:09:21,900 --> 00:09:24,653
We did White Chocolate, a play about racism.

133
00:09:26,940 --> 00:09:32,219
We're back to present our new piece
on sexuality, called Everybody Out!

134
00:09:32,420 --> 00:09:35,856
My name is Ollie Plimsoles.
I'll get your names in a minute,

135
00:09:36,060 --> 00:09:39,609
because there are far too many of you.

136
00:09:40,300 --> 00:09:41,653
- This is...
- Phil.

137
00:09:41,860 --> 00:09:43,851
- And...
- Dave.

138
00:09:44,060 --> 00:09:48,292
- We'll do forum work on sexuality.
- Can I just say, before we start.

139
00:09:48,500 --> 00:09:51,970
We'll be losing Phil at the end of the month.

140
00:09:52,180 --> 00:09:55,536
It's sad to see him go,
but he's been plucked for stardom.

141
00:09:55,740 --> 00:09:58,891
He's now a proper actor, so we're
releasing him from his contract,

142
00:09:59,100 --> 00:10:03,013
and he's going off to do telly and radio
and all sorts of exciting things.

143
00:10:03,220 --> 00:10:05,131
- When did this happen?
- Last week.

144
00:10:05,340 --> 00:10:09,015
OLLIE: Remember that face, 'cause if
you see him on the telly you can say:

145
00:10:09,220 --> 00:10:12,530
"He came to our school, he was
in that good play about issues

146
00:10:12,740 --> 00:10:16,619
with that Legz-a-what's-it theatre
company. I liked him in that,

147
00:10:16,820 --> 00:10:20,495
but he's out if his depth in this.
He's rubbish in this.

148
00:10:20,700 --> 00:10:22,930
Turn it off, I don't want to watch it."

149
00:10:24,620 --> 00:10:26,417
Thanks, Ollie.

150
00:10:28,060 --> 00:10:31,291
- Who was the casting director?
- Paul Alexander.

151
00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:35,015
That old queen, how did you...? Oh, right.

152
00:10:37,380 --> 00:10:40,656
Make room for the little fat one. That's it.

153
00:10:40,860 --> 00:10:43,010
OK, who's got a secret?

154
00:10:43,220 --> 00:10:46,451
Who's got a really great secret
only they know about?

155
00:10:46,660 --> 00:10:48,969
- I have.
- Dave...

156
00:10:49,180 --> 00:10:52,570
Who's got a secret that they don't
think they can tell anyone else?

157
00:10:52,780 --> 00:10:56,136
What kind of secret would that be,
I wonder. Any ideas?

158
00:10:57,460 --> 00:11:01,817
No? What if you did a crime?
That would be a secret, wouldn't it?

159
00:11:02,020 --> 00:11:08,050
Or you're a secret smoker, you take
off for a fag behind the bike shed.

160
00:11:08,260 --> 00:11:10,694
But what about if you're gay?

161
00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:15,776
There's a few giggles. Hands up.

162
00:11:15,980 --> 00:11:18,892
Who's gay? I'm not.

163
00:11:20,020 --> 00:11:22,978
It's a hard one, isn't it,
a hard one to admit to, but

164
00:11:23,180 --> 00:11:26,138
I bet you there are some gays in this room.

165
00:11:26,340 --> 00:11:28,934
There's at least one that I know of.

166
00:11:29,140 --> 00:11:32,212
Sexuality is a very broad church, you know.

167
00:11:32,420 --> 00:11:36,095
It's like anything else that's... like that.

168
00:11:36,300 --> 00:11:39,019
- Tolerance is very important.
- Yeah.

169
00:11:39,220 --> 00:11:44,658
A lot of people often forget that gays
are ordinary, normal, healthy guys.

170
00:11:44,860 --> 00:11:46,498
Dykes on the other hand are evil.

171
00:11:49,860 --> 00:11:55,173
Picture a scene. You find your wife
Linda in bed with another man.

172
00:11:55,380 --> 00:11:58,338
- Ollie, let's do some...
- But it's not actually a man.

173
00:11:58,540 --> 00:12:02,328
It's a big fat lezzer wearing
my slippers and smoking my pipe!

174
00:12:02,540 --> 00:12:04,451
Don't touch me, you poof!

175
00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:10,779
- Do you want to take a break?
- I'm fine!

176
00:12:13,740 --> 00:12:17,210
Where was I? Tolerance!
You have to talk to work things out.

177
00:12:17,420 --> 00:12:20,651
I spoke with my wife Linda.
I'm not man enough for her,

178
00:12:20,860 --> 00:12:23,613
so now she lives with a female Geoff Capes.

179
00:12:23,820 --> 00:12:27,415
It's a process, and understanding
people is part of the hidden

180
00:12:27,620 --> 00:12:32,648
horrors of relationships. I'm not
going back there! Big bitches!

181
00:12:32,860 --> 00:12:34,976
Ollie...?

182
00:12:40,620 --> 00:12:42,497
Right, any questions?

183
00:12:52,420 --> 00:12:54,695
Subject appears to be animal.

184
00:12:57,140 --> 00:12:59,415
Ursine features...

185
00:13:00,900 --> 00:13:03,778
...but ostensibly...

186
00:13:05,940 --> 00:13:10,297
...simian. May I have a glass of water, please?

187
00:13:10,500 --> 00:13:13,890
- OVER RADIO: Sir.?
- Not now.

188
00:13:14,620 --> 00:13:20,650
Also elements of a ruminant or ovine anatomy.

189
00:13:21,860 --> 00:13:24,932
Anthropoidal nature
of the subject suggests some

190
00:13:25,140 --> 00:13:27,734
gross distortion of a known genus.

191
00:13:27,940 --> 00:13:29,453
OVER RADIO: Sir.?

192
00:13:29,660 --> 00:13:33,972
I can only conclude that we have
been confronted by a new species,

193
00:13:34,180 --> 00:13:37,252
some form of monstrous basilisk,

194
00:13:37,460 --> 00:13:40,133
the like of which the world has never seen.

195
00:13:40,340 --> 00:13:45,573
Sir, sorry to bother you. Got this
zoo feller here. Lost his animals.

196
00:13:45,780 --> 00:13:50,296
You haven't seen a goat,
a pig and a chimp anywhere.?

197
00:14:00,900 --> 00:14:04,449
Come on. Back to work, everyone.

198
00:14:12,580 --> 00:14:15,458
Oh, yeah.

199
00:14:22,100 --> 00:14:24,819
Did the plan fail, Edward?

200
00:14:44,500 --> 00:14:49,255
Mr Scarecrow, you look messy.
Your head's all out of shape.

201
00:14:51,700 --> 00:14:55,898
One day I'll ask Mummy to make you
a new coat and trousers.

202
00:14:56,100 --> 00:14:58,091
Then you won't look so scruffy and horrid.

203
00:14:58,300 --> 00:15:02,532
Hey! Hey, you Denton girls.
What's your business?

204
00:15:02,740 --> 00:15:05,254
You're always mithering my scarecrow.

205
00:15:05,460 --> 00:15:08,293
That's because he's a special friend, Mr Tinsel.

206
00:15:08,500 --> 00:15:10,730
He must get lonely and hungry.

207
00:15:10,940 --> 00:15:14,057
Oh, no. You mustn't worry about him.

208
00:15:14,260 --> 00:15:17,730
He's only a thing of cloth and straw.

209
00:15:17,940 --> 00:15:23,810
Go back to your school trip.
They shouldn't let you wander off.

210
00:15:24,020 --> 00:15:25,772
Ha, ha, ha!

211
00:15:28,620 --> 00:15:33,740
Oh dear. Them young lasses
have made a mess of your head.

212
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:38,049
Mmmm...

213
00:15:38,260 --> 00:15:42,378
Did you know it's your third
anniversary coming up this Sunday?

214
00:15:42,580 --> 00:15:45,811
That's right, three weeks in the ten acre field.

215
00:15:46,020 --> 00:15:49,615
What have you got to say about that, Andrew?

216
00:15:56,060 --> 00:15:59,939
Please... Please, Mr Tinsel, let me go.

217
00:16:00,140 --> 00:16:05,737
When you're doing such a fine job
keeping the crows off my turnips?

218
00:16:05,940 --> 00:16:09,376
I don't think so, Andrew.

219
00:16:09,580 --> 00:16:11,093
Maybe next month, eh?

220
00:16:11,300 --> 00:16:16,499
At least leave the bag off for a while.

221
00:16:16,700 --> 00:16:19,260
Oh, I'm not sure about that.

222
00:16:19,460 --> 00:16:21,178
Please!

223
00:16:21,380 --> 00:16:26,454
All right. I dare say
a bit of fresh air will do you good.

224
00:16:26,660 --> 00:16:30,255
I'll go and take a walk down to the reservoir,

225
00:16:30,460 --> 00:16:34,373
but don't try any of that screaming.

226
00:16:36,220 --> 00:16:38,780
I've got me gun.

227
00:16:40,340 --> 00:16:43,696
God... Oh, God!

228
00:16:46,220 --> 00:16:51,340
Oh, my God! Girls, girls! Come here!

229
00:16:51,540 --> 00:16:56,568
Girls, come here! Come here, come here! Quick!

230
00:16:56,780 --> 00:17:00,853
Look, there isn't much time.
I need you to get some help.

231
00:17:01,060 --> 00:17:03,016
What kind of help, Mr Wood?

232
00:17:03,740 --> 00:17:07,699
Wha...? You know who I am?

233
00:17:07,900 --> 00:17:10,972
Of course we do. You're Mr Wood
from the cash and carry.

234
00:17:11,180 --> 00:17:14,092
Farmer Tinsel has kept you
imprisoned here for ages,

235
00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:17,975
because you slept with his wife.

236
00:17:18,180 --> 00:17:22,810
She thinks you deserted her, but
you've been in the field all this time.

237
00:17:23,900 --> 00:17:25,174
Eh?

238
00:17:25,380 --> 00:17:28,099
So let's get this back on your head.

239
00:17:28,300 --> 00:17:33,294
No! Please... Please, help me!

240
00:17:33,500 --> 00:17:35,092
Oh, aren't you noisy?

241
00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:41,012
You see, Mr Scarecrow, you're a special friend,

242
00:17:41,220 --> 00:17:44,496
and you wouldn't be if you went away.

243
00:17:45,580 --> 00:17:50,256
MR WOOD: Aaahhh!

244
00:17:58,580 --> 00:18:02,573
- Hey, Luigi!
- We're back again.

245
00:18:02,780 --> 00:18:05,499
- Can't keep away, eh?
- She burned me dinner again.

246
00:18:05,700 --> 00:18:08,089
- Take no notice.
- The fire brigade came.

247
00:18:08,300 --> 00:18:11,656
- He's lying, Luigi.
- Table for two?

248
00:18:11,860 --> 00:18:14,738
- Me toy boy's coming.
- I'll give her a toy boy...

249
00:18:14,940 --> 00:18:17,295
- I wish you would.
- Save me a bloody fortune.

250
00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:20,139
- Can I get you some drinks?
- I want sangria.

251
00:18:20,340 --> 00:18:24,333
No, no, no. Just pick her out
a nice bottle of red, Luigi.

252
00:18:24,540 --> 00:18:27,577
Oh, and Luigi, put the Gypsy Kings on.

253
00:18:27,780 --> 00:18:31,216
- Yeah, I like them, Luigi.
- She's bloody hot, look.

254
00:18:31,420 --> 00:18:34,173
I'll go and see if I have it.

255
00:18:45,180 --> 00:18:47,091
It's quiet.

256
00:18:48,700 --> 00:18:50,816
Here he comes.

257
00:18:51,020 --> 00:18:54,057
- Back from me holidays.
- She'll be on tables next.

258
00:18:54,260 --> 00:18:57,775
- I was, you know, in Tenerifi.
- It's Tenerife.

259
00:18:57,980 --> 00:19:00,414
Did you hear that, Charlie.
He called me Madame.

260
00:19:00,620 --> 00:19:03,578
- Well. Thanks, Luigi.
- He wants a bib.

261
00:19:03,780 --> 00:19:06,169
- Big baby.
- Shut up!

262
00:19:06,380 --> 00:19:09,929
- Calamares, is that salad, lemon?
- Si, senor.

263
00:19:10,140 --> 00:19:13,291
- What is it, Luigi?
- Squid, Stella, you won't like it.

264
00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:15,377
I'm asking Luigi. Anyway, I might.

265
00:19:15,580 --> 00:19:19,016
She won't. I took her on holiday,
two star hotel, full board.

266
00:19:19,220 --> 00:19:22,530
- Don't listen to him, Luigi.
- She stayed in the bathroom.

267
00:19:22,740 --> 00:19:26,733
- I didn't, Luigi.
- Flaming knickers round her ankles.

268
00:19:29,900 --> 00:19:32,209
I bring the wine, eh?

269
00:19:40,460 --> 00:19:43,133
- Stella...
- Drop dead.

270
00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:06,379
- Luigi!
- Where have you been, Luigi?

271
00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:08,810
- Stay single.
- Have you come to cheer us up?

272
00:20:09,020 --> 00:20:11,170
- It's not worth it.
- Have you...?

273
00:20:11,380 --> 00:20:16,613
You tell me how it's possible to put
20,000 pesetas in a slot machine.

274
00:20:16,820 --> 00:20:20,130
- Save your breath, Luigi.
- Ask why she had to leave her job.

275
00:20:20,340 --> 00:20:24,128
- I loved that little job.
- And where my 250 went.

276
00:20:24,340 --> 00:20:27,810
- I did it out of boredom, I get bored.
- I should never have married her.

277
00:20:28,020 --> 00:20:31,854
- I have to get out the house.
- I've fallen out of love with her.

278
00:20:32,060 --> 00:20:34,255
- I'm still a woman.
- Make something happen!

279
00:20:34,460 --> 00:20:37,338
- Please, Luigi!
- Luigi, please!

280
00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:42,456
Me name's not Luigi.

281
00:20:43,900 --> 00:20:46,050
It's Carl.

282
00:20:47,700 --> 00:20:49,930
I'm sorry.

283
00:21:00,900 --> 00:21:04,131
- Didn't he say his name was Luigi?
- Aye, well...

284
00:21:06,900 --> 00:21:09,255
- Are you OK, Ollie?
- I'm fine.

285
00:21:09,460 --> 00:21:12,099
Don't forget the music in the disco scene.

286
00:21:12,300 --> 00:21:13,699
I'm fine!

287
00:21:13,900 --> 00:21:17,939
Mum said I was artistic. I thought
she meant I was good at drawing,

288
00:21:18,140 --> 00:21:20,176
but then I always was a sensitive kid.

289
00:21:20,380 --> 00:21:23,178
Even at school I knew I was different
from the other boys.

290
00:21:23,380 --> 00:21:26,656
- They was interested in football.
- Yey!

291
00:21:26,860 --> 00:21:29,135
- And girls.
- Argh!

292
00:21:29,340 --> 00:21:32,138
But I liked books and dolls.

293
00:21:32,340 --> 00:21:35,173
- Poof!
- Queen!

294
00:21:35,380 --> 00:21:37,689
- Mary.
- Homo!

295
00:21:37,900 --> 00:21:40,653
- Nancy!
- Linda...

296
00:21:43,660 --> 00:21:47,335
I used to walk the streets for hours
thinking about what they'd said.

297
00:21:47,540 --> 00:21:50,259
What was wrong with me? Why was I different?

298
00:21:50,460 --> 00:21:53,736
That's when I saw it. The nightclub Gloria's.

299
00:21:53,940 --> 00:21:59,014
I pushed open the door, went inside,
and danced the night away.

300
00:22:01,300 --> 00:22:03,211
Danced the night away.

301
00:22:03,420 --> 00:22:05,411
OLLIE: All right!

302
00:22:23,260 --> 00:22:26,093
- Hey, haven't seen you before.
- I'm not gay.

303
00:22:26,300 --> 00:22:28,211
That's cool, I'm not judging you.

304
00:22:28,420 --> 00:22:33,255
We get all kinds in here.
Gays, straights, lesbians.

305
00:22:34,220 --> 00:22:35,778
Ollie!

306
00:22:35,980 --> 00:22:41,100
Gloria's is a fun place, as long as
you're careful and over 18. See ya!

307
00:22:42,500 --> 00:22:44,695
I left Gloria's with me head spinning.

308
00:22:44,900 --> 00:22:47,016
I couldn't wait to tell all me pals.

309
00:22:47,220 --> 00:22:49,495
Then I realised. How could I tell them?

310
00:22:49,700 --> 00:22:52,737
I felt like I was on trial
at the blooming Old Bailey.

311
00:22:52,940 --> 00:22:58,173
BACKSTAGE: Will the court rise for
his honour Judge Society.

312
00:23:00,420 --> 00:23:05,369
Johnny, you stand accused of
being gay. How do you plead?

313
00:23:05,580 --> 00:23:08,333
Not guilty. No, guilty! Why are you judging me?

314
00:23:08,540 --> 00:23:11,976
What about Aids?

315
00:23:15,100 --> 00:23:16,453
Stop!

316
00:23:16,660 --> 00:23:19,970
It did seem like a nightmare,
but that was a few weeks ago.

317
00:23:20,180 --> 00:23:21,932
- You hurt me.
- Put me down.

318
00:23:22,140 --> 00:23:26,850
Then, like in fairytale,
we all lived happily ever after.

319
00:23:27,060 --> 00:23:30,132
Me, I'm happy with who I am and what I am.

320
00:23:30,340 --> 00:23:33,457
If people don't like that, they can
kill themselves, like Mum did.

321
00:23:36,700 --> 00:23:40,978
Come on, kids! Get clapping.
The moral of this story...

322
00:23:41,180 --> 00:23:44,490
Being normal in this life
won't get you anywhere.

323
00:23:44,700 --> 00:23:46,497
Phil's got a great part on telly.

324
00:23:46,700 --> 00:23:50,170
Not because he's talented, he's not.
He bums the director.

325
00:23:50,940 --> 00:23:55,092
Yeah, Phil. I'm not stupid.
People like me and Dave plod on...

326
00:23:55,300 --> 00:23:58,178
- Don't, Ollie.
- I'm telling how dedicated we are.

327
00:23:58,380 --> 00:24:01,372
I'm leaving Legz Akimbo.

328
00:24:01,580 --> 00:24:04,413
- What?!
- I've had enough.

329
00:24:04,900 --> 00:24:06,492
If Phil's going, I'm going.

330
00:24:09,020 --> 00:24:10,373
Why are you doing this, Dave?

331
00:24:12,980 --> 00:24:16,017
I just can't stand you, Ollie.

332
00:24:16,220 --> 00:24:18,529
I'm sorry.

333
00:24:22,940 --> 00:24:24,578
Great.

334
00:24:27,140 --> 00:24:29,859
Excuse me a moment.
I think I'm going to be sick.

335
00:24:51,900 --> 00:24:55,449
Benjamin, we can't sleep. Can we play a game?

336
00:24:57,020 --> 00:25:00,979
Really girls, you should be in bed.
It's too late to play.

337
00:25:01,180 --> 00:25:02,613
Please, play with us.

338
00:25:02,820 --> 00:25:05,129
I promised your parents
I'd make sure you didn't get up.

339
00:25:05,340 --> 00:25:07,615
Please, please!

340
00:25:07,820 --> 00:25:11,256
No! Now, go to bed.

341
00:25:31,460 --> 00:25:34,497
If you don't play with us,
we'll tell Daddy of you.

342
00:25:35,140 --> 00:25:39,338
- What do you mean?
- That you did something naughty.

343
00:25:39,540 --> 00:25:41,132
Like what?

344
00:25:41,340 --> 00:25:44,537
Shaking hands with the governor of love.

345
00:25:46,340 --> 00:25:49,571
Don't be silly. He won't believe that.

346
00:25:49,780 --> 00:25:53,375
He will. We know how to say it
to make it sound real.

347
00:25:53,580 --> 00:25:55,172
You wouldn't want to make him angry.

348
00:25:55,380 --> 00:25:59,419
We once saw him beat a man till
both him and the man were crying.

349
00:26:01,300 --> 00:26:04,929
I'm not going to let you blackmail me.
I've told you, go to bed!

350
00:26:06,180 --> 00:26:08,410
- Aaahhh!
- All right, all right.

351
00:26:08,620 --> 00:26:12,169
We'll play a game, but just for a bit.

352
00:26:12,380 --> 00:26:17,090
Radcliffe, fetch the blindfold. We're
going to play Wind in the Willows.

353
00:26:24,860 --> 00:26:28,933
One, two, three, five, twelvety six, ten...

354
00:26:29,140 --> 00:26:31,700
Oh, there are too many, Edward.

355
00:26:32,380 --> 00:26:36,373
There's been a local shop
on this site for generations.

356
00:26:36,580 --> 00:26:41,608
Now this new road, oh,
what are we going to do?

357
00:26:41,820 --> 00:26:44,857
We could kill them all.

358
00:26:45,060 --> 00:26:48,291
Tubbs, you're good-hearted.

359
00:26:48,500 --> 00:26:51,060
There are too many.

360
00:26:51,260 --> 00:26:55,048
Look, Edward, a shooting star.
Shall we make a wish?

361
00:26:55,260 --> 00:26:56,693
Yes, Tubbs.

362
00:26:56,900 --> 00:27:01,849
I wish... I wish for an end
to this plague of strangers,

363
00:27:02,060 --> 00:27:04,733
for our futures to remain local,

364
00:27:04,940 --> 00:27:09,730
and for new road to be totally destroyed.

365
00:27:09,940 --> 00:27:12,773
Can I have a new dress, please?

366
00:27:16,460 --> 00:27:19,611
BENJAMIN: All right, calm down!

367
00:27:19,820 --> 00:27:21,811
Stop shouting!

368
00:27:22,020 --> 00:27:25,376
All right, calm down.

369
00:27:25,580 --> 00:27:28,413
Stop shouting,
I don't know what you're talking about.

370
00:27:28,620 --> 00:27:32,135
I don't think you should be... I'll tell
your Mummy and Daddy on you.

371
00:27:32,340 --> 00:27:33,739
Stop it!

372
00:27:33,940 --> 00:27:36,977
(FIZZING SOUND)

373
00:27:37,860 --> 00:27:41,330
What's going on? Now calm down.

374
00:27:42,300 --> 00:27:44,256
What's happening?

375
00:27:48,020 --> 00:27:49,817
Oh, hello.

376
00:27:50,860 --> 00:27:52,532
We were just...

377
00:27:54,740 --> 00:27:56,571
...playing piggy in the middle.

378
00:27:58,300 --> 00:28:00,575
Sonny!

379
00:28:06,100 --> 00:28:07,818
My Sonny!

380
00:28:08,020 --> 00:28:09,373
- Where's Cher?
- I didn't...

381
00:28:09,580 --> 00:28:12,094
(SQUASHING SOUND)

382
00:28:21,300 --> 00:28:23,131
Oh, God!

383
00:28:29,380 --> 00:28:30,859
BENJAMIN: I'm sorry.